it is what it is

i have a feeling these next few months are going to fly by. it's scary, because it's like life inexorably escapes me. i don't know where it goes, but it goes, continuously. it is here and then gone, unending moment upon moment until one day. gone. and the irony is how it just seems to crawl, getting nowhere, all the while everything whizzes by. gone. i have a lot coming up, a chunk of time dedicated to this activity, a chunk to that.

some time spent on estate-type work, work that necessarily rewinds bits of life, examines the memories, judges them, and eventually moves on knowing that many of those unearthed recollections have been recalled for probably the last time. the stuff of those dear thoughts must be sold or given away to someone else who can appreciate them and give them new purpose and life. who knew that just a tub full of fabric scraps could sum up an entire childhood, telling of forgotten school plays, old wardrobes, curtains that used to hang in the living room where so much laughter and talking happened, curtains made for lisa's far-off dorm room, projects i watched take shape over the years, all the textiles that are most familiar too me, now that i remember them. april 12th they will sit in a yard sale, waiting for someone to come along and make them into a quilt, work them into their own stories.

very soon there will be some leisure, some reuniting with friends... but what am i doing? what i do has to be done, but what is the value in it? it seems so... slow and stuck in the past. i am anxious to move on, but to what? i am terrified of living a life to pay the bills and feed myself. if it ever boils down to that, i will have a real problem. but that is my fear, having potential and never using it. not recognizing it or not being brave enough to . settling. i seem to be lacking in the department of great ideas, and struggling to be content with what life is. it is what it is. but i seem bent on knowing what it could be. living in the present can be so difficult.